I NEVER HAD A FATHER....

. . . oh, I know that is not strictly true or biologically possible, but I like to imagine that it is actually a fact!
I never knew my father!
That's not strictly true either, but I like to imagine that it is actually a fact!

You see, there was a man.
He often lived in my family home.
He sometimes liked me to call him Daddy or Da.
I preferred not to!
He was never a father.

The man wasted his life. His prerogative, of course.
But he wasted our childhoods as well!
We were like little corks each individually swept along on an undercurrent of fear and confusion, never feeling safe and terrified of where we could wash up. 

We were unknowingly caught up in his net of secrets and lies.
We all lived together in a house, but we all lived alone in our souls.

There were sanctions for speaking out in my family, for not keeping the secret, even when you didn't actually know what the secret was.
I once spoke out in desperation and fear.
I was just eight years old, and from then on he called me 'the little informer'!

But some people did know the secret, and they were the adults.
They did know the truth even though they pretended not to.
Perhaps the grown-ups chose to trade us children for the greater good, but for the greater good of whom, I wonder?
So we all learned pretty quickly to pretend, just like them!
We did not actually choose to be pretenders, but nonetheless we became experts! 

They were excellent teachers!

I didn't understand what it was that made us different.
I just knew that we were!

I was too young to change the situation.
I was definitely too young to escape it!
So I colluded with them. 

I questioned nothing and pretended all was well, even though it clearly was not. 

I repeated our 'stories' to the world with a smile, and I prayed that nobody would ask complicated questions. 

Now I can see that perhaps this was a desperate childish attempt to hold on to a little dignity.  

And I couldn't see another way to keep everyone 'safe', but I hated myself for doing it.

I knew it was all I lie!

But now those grown-ups are no longer alive, and this is not a legacy that I want to pass on with my genes.

So I've broken the cycle. 

I've stopped pretending and I've taken ownership of their secret.
It is now MY secret, and I am speaking MY truth. 

So, it is a fact  ..  I never had a father! I never knew my father!

And if you are fortunate enough to have a lovely Dad, keep him close while you can and make sure he has a wonderfully happy Fathers Day.